It is truly disheartening to those who venture into the capitalistic nirvana of corporate America to see cubicles and corner offices crowded with members of the female sex. These women–after being given the opportunity to work for a livelihood–spend their time curating stylish outfits. They arrive in heels that display their legs, flimsy shirts that reveal the curves of their bodies, and tight skirts that make them objects of utter distraction.
I think it is universally agreed upon that this prodigious emphasis placed on “style” or “individuality” as the female sex so vocally proclaims, is a very great grievance on the efficacy of the corporate world, and especially on their male counterparts who may be tempted by the body parts so saucily displayed by their female coworkers. Whoever could find a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these working women more appropriate members of the corporate world would surely become a symbol of innovation and equality.
But my intention is not just to provide for these working women who are burdened with the upkeep of their pervasive appearances. My intention is much greater–to affect women of any occupation and to allow them to be taken seriously in a world that far too often judges them solely based on appearance.
Having thought about the implications of corporate dress codes for many minutes, and being a woman myself, I consider myself most capable of undertaking this arduous task. I have often found women to be a confusing addition to the workplace, but by implementing my course of action, we could solidify for women a space in the working world in which they are not burdensome and could provide more than just a lovely view.
There is likewise another great advantage to my master plan: preventing those workplace harassments, and that horrid practice of male bosses preying on their female employees. Too frequently we get yet another story in the news about an instance of supposed workplace discrimination, which makes even the greatest misogynist squirm in their seat. Men are largely incapable of change. They are creatures of habit, who have to valiantly fight the animal urges that lay inside of them. Since we cannot change men, my proposal would alter the working woman and make her entirely less harrassable!
The number of adults in the country is an estimated 250 million, of which I calculate that half are women; from that I subtract the five million women who are either stay-at-home-wives or unemployed–I feel no need to account for retired women, as retirement is becoming an increasing unused or unattainable path. Thus, there remains around 120 million women who are active members of the workforce. How can this increasing number of women be seamlessly integrated into a space which they are so unnaturally fit for? It is also important to consider how female clothing creates many challenges for women to succeed, and, more importantly, for their male coworkers to succeed. My esteemed sociologist colleague Joe conducted a study in which he ventured into the tumultuous realm of a women’s clothing department. He mused that immodesty is promoted by retailers because skimpy clothing requires less material, and is thus less costly to produce. However, we as a society must not fall down the slippery slope of diminishing clothing size for thriftiness, or much worse–for liberation. What comes next, walking into the workplace nude? That is utterly unacceptable.
For my own part, I shall now therefore humbly present my own thoughts, which I should hope to be taken seriously and considered without objection.
My friend Theo, who resides in Paris and claims to have witnessed a model exiting a fashion show, assures me that abstract fashion concepts now embrace increasingly androgynous and modest shapes. There exists a very real possibility that these garments can extend beyond fashion and take on a more utilitarian purpose for the modern woman.
I do therefore humbly offer to corporate America that a new uniform be imposed on women so they may earn their respective role in the workplace. This garment would consist of a uniform potato sack that hangs over the female form and conceals any shape–or lack thereof–that a woman may have.
The sacks, so cleverly called Dehu-mummus–a combination of dehumanization and muumuu–will be in season throughout the year, and because they are so stiff and large in nature, there is the possibility that women can add unseen layers underneath for temperature regulation. Because we must eliminate the possibility of providing a pleasing effect on the woman, my Dehu-muumuus will come in a variety of shades so there is an unflattering color for every skin tone.
I think the advantages of the proposal I have made are obvious and abundant. However, if one still remains unconvinced, I shall lay out the benefits in simple terms:
First, the implementation of the mandated Dehu-muumuus will prevent men from becoming distracted. Because there is no attractive female to sexually harass, the men are left with no choice but to focus on the work laid out in front of them.
Second, the Dehu-muumuus would eliminate the excess of women in the workplace, with which we are already overrun. Young women are already inundating colleges, heralding an inevitable surge of females into the corporate realm. While this is a positive step for equality, we simply cannot exist in a society where only one gender rules our economic and artistic institutions. This new sanction of dress would eliminate women who value vanity over their career, thus leveling the playing field for men and creating a more dedicated and driven workplace.
Third, the Dehu-muumuus will completely change the way the retail industry operates. No longer will clothing stores be filled with options for women to scrutinize over. Introducing a sole female garment will allow clothing stores to cater to men, an audience that is rarely the center of attention. This will level the playing field both economically and socially.
Fourth, by removing the burden of having to pay for flattering clothing, women will have extra income. This has the potential to heal the pay gap between women and men, because men will still have to spend money on clothing, while women are only given one option. My proposal also manages to solve economic inequality!
Fifth, the implementation of the Dehu-muumuus will also help with issues of pregnancy in the workplace. Pregnancy discrimination is a subject that many working women whine about on a daily basis. If women are able to conceal their pregnancies using the Dehu-muumuus, they will not have to fear premature firing or a lack of promotion. Additionally, the lack of visible pregnancy will make male coworkers feel less disgusted and distracted. The only catch is that women will not be able to take proper leave if their pregnancy is truly concealed, yet I am sure these modern women are aching to leave their newborn and return to the working world.
The only objection that I could possibly think to raise against this proposal is that it is unfair to place the blame and responsibility of workplace harassment onto women. To that I would argue that in any other environment, it is fair to claim that the blame should be placed upon the man harassing the woman. Indeed, harassment is an unfortunate predicament. However, it is important to note that this particular environment, corporate America, has long been a safe space for men that is free from distracting women. If women so obstinately choose to join the workforce, they must have to provide some sacrifice for ruining the androcentric sanctuary. The mandated workplace attire is a means of protection, not further harm.
Therefore, since I have addressed the one possible objection, no other thoughts or opinions should be brought about–especially by the female sex–on this topic. I, as a female myself, believe I speak for the whole gender when I attest that this proposal is fair, equitable, and the only way to move forward to create a more just world.
As for myself, having spent many years struggling to find a purpose and means of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as I fleshed it out on the page, became so very real and so very useful. No longer will issues of women be forced upon the sanctity of the corporate institution, which should be esteemed without question as a place of social and economic opportunity
I profess, from the sincerity of my heart, that I have no self-interest in trying to promote this necessary work. I have no other motivation but to save corporate America from the female issues plaguing its purity by removing distractions, healing discrimination, and creating an overall better world. I have never worked in an office, and have never experienced workplace harassment, but I believe that I am the most well-equipped individual to heal this great issue.
Bibliography
Swift, Jonathan, 1667-1745. A Modest Proposal. Champaign, Ill. :Project Gutenberg, 1997.
