Help! My Secret Crush Found Out, and He’s Threatening to Call the Police. (2024)

Dear Prudence,

I have long harbored what I thought was a harmless crush on a friend of mine (Jordan), but now another friend (Alex) has told Jordan and Jordan is threatening me with a restraining order. I am livid that I told Alex about my crush and that Alex betrayed my confidence. I admit that some of the things I’ve done were probably not great decisions, but those actions weren’t harming Jordan in the least, so long as Jordan didn’t know about them. Now I am torn because I’m afraid Jordan is going to call the police.

If they call the police, I probably need to throw away any evidence ahead of time. But that is almost impossible for me to come to terms with. This situation is rapidly spiraling out of control, and I don’t feel like there is anybody non-judgmental I can go to for help. How can I make amends with Jordan in a way that honestly atones for what I’ve done while also leaving open the possibility of our getting together romantically?

—Hopelessly Devoted

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,

Don’t call Jordan. In fact, never call Jordan again. Don’t do anything (whatdidyou do??)—except maybe seek out a lawyer’s opinion since I can’t give you legal advice. You say you don’t have anyone non-judgmental you can go to, and that may be because the situation legitimately inspires judgment. Instead, think of someone who you know cares about your well-being and wants the best for you. Tell them what you’ve done and ask for support in putting a stop to all of it. I can’t emphasize enough that the possibility of dating is now off the table completely, and you need to force yourself to accept that reality. If you’re having trouble letting go, seeking guidance and help from a mental health professional would be your next step (there areseveraldirectorieswhere you can begin your search). The sooner you’re able to let Jordan go, the sooner you’ll stop making “not great decisions.” Then you’ll be able to pursue crushes in a way that doesn’t inspire people to call 9-1-1.

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Dear Prudence,

My wife and I have a 21-year-old daughter, 16-year-old daughter, and soon to be 10-year-old triplets (two girls and a boy). We have a four-bedroom house. Our oldest daughter graduates this summer. She is dragging her heels about where she is going to live afterwards. Her lease at the university ends in July. The triplets have always shared a room, but they are growing up. It is time for my son to have his own room, which means that my daughter needs to empty out her old room or deal with sharing with her sister. It is just a matter of logistics. I am ready to just lay down the law and tell my daughter that everything of hers will be tossed into boxes in the basem*nt whether she is here or not. My wife says that is too harsh, but we have been having the same conversation since spring. Can I get some back up here?

—Room to Go

Dear Room to Go,

I’m confused (and I think you might not be totally clear either): Are you wanting to put your daughter’s stuff in boxes because she’s taking too long to make a decision? Or do you want to move your son into her room regardless of where she ends up living? It sounds to me like it might be the latter. And it’s not unreasonable that you’d prioritize space for the non-adult children who have no choice but to live in your home, over the adult child who has graduated from college. But the key is that you and your wife be on the same page and that whatever message you deliver to your older daughter. Try something like: “If you haven’t let us know that you plan to move back in by the middle of June, we’re going to go ahead with moving your brother into your room and boxing up your stuff. You can still come home any time, but we’ll just have to figure out new sleeping arrangements,” or “We hope you understand we need your old room for your little brother so we’re going to clear it out, and if you want to come back, we’ll make room for you in your sister’s room,” so it doesn’t come across as a punishment or rejection.

This year represents a huge transition for your eldest, and your interactions during this time could determine how welcome she feels at home and how close she is to the family going forward. I know you’re frustrated (and have a lot of kids to deal with, which must be very stressful!), but try to stay focused on the long-term goal of maintaining a warm relationship with her. That will ultimately make you so much happier than a quick and clear answer about her post-college living arrangements ever could.

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together for over a year and see a long-term future together. He shares two kids with his ex-wife (divorced six years). They spend holidays together as if they are a family. He notes that he enjoys spending that time together with his ex and kids. And while I’m invited, I feel like an awkward fifth wheel. I grew up with divorced parents and I got two separate Christmases, etc. My parents were cordial but didn’t spend time together. My partner says that we should all put up with the awkwardness of coming together to surround the kids with love. Am I wrong for feeling put off by these holiday arrangements?

—Fifth Wheel

Dear Fifth Wheel,

You’re not wrong in the least for being put off by them. And he’s not wrong in the least for valuing and prioritizing them. In fact, he’s very right for not letting a new-ish partner interfere with the routine he’s established for his kids. This approach to surrounding the kids with love at special occasions is obviously important to him and that’s something you should weigh as you decide whether you want a future with him, just like you would give serious thought to whether you could be with someone who traveled all the time for work, or didn’t celebrate holidays at all, or had an approach to socialization that differed from yours.

It’s possible that you could convince yourself to embrace the current arrangement. After all, his ability to get along with his ex and focus on his kids’ needs reflects really well on him.
Holidays are only a handful of days per year. You could always celebrate with just the two of you on another day, creating your own traditions. And once you’ve been around long enough, you’ll no longer be an awkward fifth wheel—you’ll get comfortable, and you’ll be a real part of the family.

But if you can’t get there, it’s fine. Celebrating Thanksgiving without the person your significant other used to be married to is not too much to ask, and it’s something that won’t even require a conversation with the vast majority of people you date in the future.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

More Advice From Slate

My co-workers are refusing to come back to the office and it’s getting ridiculous. I get it: COVID happened and yes, we “proved” that we can work remotely because we still managed to get stuff done. But that’s just it—we managed. We were not excelling or thriving or nearly as productive as everyone pretended. I’ve had days of back-to-back Zoom calls where someone’s audio breaks up, someone loses a signal, or someone’s husband/baby/dog is yelling/crying/barking in the background. It’s a nightmare. Also, as much as it’s nice to have flexibility, it’s seemingly pretty unhealthy for the team because morale is low and everyone is complaining about being depressed.